If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Congratulations! We have a period
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
