I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
