Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
