sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My liver just had a heart attack.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
