i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
