If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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