i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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