I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
