A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
