Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
pop tarts are not kleenex
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
