BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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