Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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