Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
