It was confusing and full of hummus
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
