There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize