are you still at the devil's house?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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