I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
