your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
