Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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