Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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