told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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