Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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