Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
