So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
