Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
