Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
