I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I cut my penus on the lid.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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