i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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