i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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