I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
