I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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