you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize