I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
