you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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