my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
