is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
