Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
