No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
