good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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