My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My liver just had a heart attack.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
