he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize