I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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