dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
