I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize