Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
