Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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