I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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