oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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