I hate all girls vehemently.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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