i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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