I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
