i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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