Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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