If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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