he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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