you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
