dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
