I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
