why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
