He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
