I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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